For decades I have waited for the lightning bolt. For God to finally fix me so I would be good enough and when the big moment occurred, BAM! Everything would finally be ok. I’ve accepted the fact that God does not intend for that to happen to me. It used to annoy me that there were people who had those moments, epiphanies, sudden awakenings and I would always wonder why He wouldn’t do that for me.
I spent the summer in awe of God’s creation. The evidence of God’s existence and power I never doubted; it’s all around us and is breathtaking. But I couldn’t get Him to exist for me personally. He was too big therefore I couldn’t possibly matter. But He doesn’t exist for me – I exist for HIM. He created me and has a plan for me, I just need to stop fighting it. The key is to be willing to surrender my need for control. Toward the end of our trip, when I started to finally break down about the inevitable return home and the start of a new school year, I felt overwhelmed and hopeless, certain I had missed the opportunity for a life changing moment. One night I took the dog for a walk and in the dark I finally broke into a panic, closed my eyes and told God there was there was no way I would be able to do this. There was no way I could manage all this and I needed Him to take over. And I cried — hard.
I did not feel alone. I knew He heard me. Somewhere deep inside I had a feeling He was listening and my plea did not go unnoticed. I didn’t fully believe it with my head, but a few days later I felt it in my heart. Somehow the notion of taking one day, one step at a time became comforting and plausible. I do not know where that will lead me, but I do know that I no longer fear what’s ahead. Ever so slowly it has been becoming more clear as doors begin to open and I have finally decided to stop trying to figure it all out ahead of time. It does not make sense that I can go from moments of pure panic to a sense of calm simply by closing my eyes and with all my frustration say to God, “I need you to take over.” It was as if He reached down while I slept, touched my heart and convinced it He had it all under control. I can’t fully grasp it or explain it, but I’ll tell you this – I KNOW it.
I have a quiet fire kindling inside me that I can tell is slowly spreading, and little by little my inner peace and belief within my soul is going to ignite it and with God’s help and guidance I will fulfill my purpose — my specific purpose that God planned long ago with all my flaws and weaknesses in mind, perfectly fitting into his plan. I know it’s going to be difficult but I’m ok with that. I know without a doubt I am not alone and one day when I stand face to face with Him, it will all be perfectly clear and it will be awesome! Until then I am up for the adventure.
As a family we want to accept the challenge and not settle for an ordinary life. Yes, we are ordinary, flawed people who are selfish and unworthy, but God will use that and strengthen us and lead us to where He intends for us to go. What God can do is amazing and I never fully believed that on a personal level before, but He opened my heart and I am changed. The old doubt that once engulfed me has been washed away. There is now renewal and hope. One day we will all be home and it will be perfect and joy will never end, all we have to do is ask God to take the wheel and make the choice to believe. That is what we did as a family today. This is why we chose to be baptized – to celebrate that we are committed to letting God lead the way. When we look to the driver’s seat Jesus will always be the one behind the wheel!