What in the world have I gotten myself into? Am I really going to run in circles around a 1 mile loop for six hours straight? My 55K last year took longer than that, so it’s not actually a crazy idea. The problem is the fact that I’m not properly trained this time. At all. There are plenty of reasons I could let myself off the hook. My foot has hurt intermittently over the last few months, which interfered with my ability to consistently build a strong base. Traveling for a majority of the summer didn’t help either. I focused more on lifting than running because miles on a treadmill in the summer – at least to me – are unbearable (lame excuse, I know). Then there’s the musculoskeletal syndrome of perimenopause which has decided to pay me a visit more frequently. On top of all of that – and perhaps because of it – I’ve basically lost my mojo. Four months ago when I signed up, this sounded like a great idea. Now? I’m not so sure.

If running a marathon was on my calendar three weeks from now, I would probably defer my entry. But despite all the excuses I rattled off above and the knowledge that I’m under prepared, I’m still looking forward to the challenge. That actually sounds insane, especially since I currently don’t even look forward to my 45 minute runs. 

The mindset of a timed race is completely different. We get to camp by the course which adds to the unique camaraderie at these events. The course is a 1 mile loop that I repeat as many times as possible by running, walking or crawling. All I have to do is keep moving forward. And you know what’s so cool? It’s like my entire life has prepared me to do exactly that and I have the evidence to prove it.

While thinking about the upcoming race on a recent run, I was comforted by the following thought: I’ve faced countless daunting hurdles before and I survived things that are more terrifying than running. Why not use those experiences to fuel my confidence that I can do hard things? Why not use the challenge for something bigger than myself (fundraising) and view each completed lap as a victory?

My most formidable opponent has always been depression. Given the choice, I would run for six DAYS rather than face another bout of depression. When I reflect on all the times depression convinced me it would never end, that the darkness would surely suffocate me, that getting out of bed was impossible and something no one around me would ever understand, and when it infiltrated every fiber of my being causing complete paralysis, I’m reassured because despite the impossibility of it all, I’m still here.

There was a time I was convinced that it was impossible to overcome an eating disorder. The belief that I was too far gone and too messed up, made me incredibly fearful of the steps I needed to take to get better. The possibility of being well and healthy seemed so intangible and far away. Yet one day, I took a step forward, asked for help and came out the other side stronger. My experience now fuels my desire to help other women believe that they can too.

There’s also evidence from my battle with pericarditis. There were moments of excruciating chest pain that were prolonged thanks to eye rolls from ER doctors and people not taking me seriously. I faced each painful breath, lying awake in bed all night, fearing a heart attack and convinced I was dying. Just when I thought I couldn’t possibly stand the pain any longer, I somehow kept pushing until I finally got help. Then once the fluid was removed, I faced starting over because I couldn’t physically run anymore. It felt impossible. Too big of a hurdle. I had too far to go. But I refused to believe that that was it, so I just started walking. Then I figured out I had long Covid basically on my own by doing all of my own research and then advocating relentlessly for myself. It totally sucked while I was in the trenches, but it put me on a new career path, motivated me and renewed my purpose.

I also think back on the 55K that I completed last year. During a 20 mile training run I remember thinking there was no possible way I could complete another 14 miles in just a few weeks. It seemed impossible, but I did it. Now I have evidence that I can run farther than I thought. 

And then there’s childbirth! Just when you think there’s no possible way you can survive another contraction and there’s no way in hell you can manage another push, another one comes and you do it and you survive.

What are your moments? 

When we really stop to think about it, we all have evidence of our resilience and courage, where we faced fear, overwhelm, and exhaustion but moved forward anyway. Those moments are our fuel for the next challenge that presents itself. I don’t know about you, but when I’m faced with something scary, I tend to forget what I’m capable of. Fear overshadows everything and tries to convince us we’ve never been strong. We have to look beyond it to the evidence that we really are capable of moving forward.

Were you hopelessly depressed, but walked the dog anyway? That’s a piece of evidence that you can take a step forward. Have you chosen a smoothie over a cookie before? Then you have proof that you can make healthy choices. Have you overcome something that you thought was hopeless? Remind yourself that you have faced fear and won.

A six hour race is a challenge I chose. It’s not really scary at all, especially in light of the other things I mentioned. I know I can walk whenever I want. I could stop at any time. But I am not going to. Every lap I complete I’m going to celebrate by remembering how far I’ve come then I’m going to dream about all of the possibilities moving forward. It’s such a beautiful example of how important it is to take things one small step at a time. When something seems overwhelming, one of the best things we can do is break it down into smaller doable pieces. Running for six hours might sound insane. But running a 1 mile loop sounds easy. All I have to do is run a mile. And when I’m done, I can decide to do it again. And that’s what will keep me going, one small step, one loop at a time.

I encourage you to take that step. You CAN do it! Focus on your evidence and not the fear. One small step at a time!